It WILL be a wonderful life Trust me!
by kiernanfan
Summary: It's just after the series finale, and everyone is happy. Except for Ben, because the show was cancelled before the writers could come up with a convincing love interest. But a celestial visitor comes to tell him that there is hope for his future.
1. The Wish

It was the evening, just after Danny and Riley's wedding, and Ben was feeling guilty for not being happier for them. Not that he hadn't been the model best man and brother in law, running every aspect of the wedding to perfection, convincing everyone of his contentment at the turn of events, the very picture of conviviality and good will. To anyone who had been aware of his past feelings for his new sister in law, any inconvenient emotions had been effaced with the ease of an Etch-a-Sketch. But as the wedding dinner concluded, and as the various guests danced and ate appetizers, and as the happy couple prepared for their wedding night before leaving for a honeymoon on a Caribbean island so lovely that it had overcome Riley's fear of flying, Ben was seriously miserable. Weddings were apparently a wonderful time for easy hookups, but that clearly wasn't the case for Ben at this wedding, or the last three weddings he had been at. Indeed, he couldn't help but remember that it was at the first of these weddings that Ben had first realized he had feelings for Riley. Three times he had tried to start a relationship with her, and three times he had failed. He had better luck pushing her into his brother's arms at the second of these weddings, when his mother tried and failed to marry her second husband.

Ben looked at his watch. He had about half an hour before he picked up his two year old daughter from Riley's sister Rebecca. Supposedly in that time he could find a beautiful woman for an aforementioned hookup, and renegotiate with Rebecca so that he wouldn't have to worry about Emma until the morning. But his heart just wasn't in it. As he wandered near the open bar it occurred to him that the reason why the attractive young woman from Riley's law firm in the sleeveless dress had spent twenty minutes talking to him about _The Terminator_ franchise was that she actually wanted to sleep with him. But he just ignored her and he realized that the rather irritating contracts law expert who had been hovering around them had probably picked her up when Ben left her to check up on Tucker.

One thing that made him feel guilty was that everyone he cared for was so happy, that he felt his own unhappiness was a perverse malice on his part. He _wanted_ to be happy for them, he _wanted_ to take heart from their happiness, and realize that however poorly he felt now everything would be better. After all he was barely 25: four years ago he wouldn't have imagined marrying before 30. Surely his disappointment with Riley was merely a learning experience, a stepping stone to better and more fuller relationships in the future. Once again, he thought of his mother. There was no shortage of complications with her second marriage. Her husband was substantially younger than she was, it had been a very rocky courtship with all sorts of problems, and his Mom was, after all, his Mom. But after her second and successful attempt to marry Brad, things had went surprisingly well. Bonnie had not actually mellowed, had not stopped imposing or interfering in the life of her children, or had been any slower to stress that she was clearly right or been any less quick to take offense at any lapse or slip from Brad. It was just that the bad things that one might expect to happen from this never actually did. It seemed that her considerable energy and determination were being devoted to things that did not lead to disaster. For example, Ben learned much more than he wanted to about Bonnie's sex life from her recent sculpting and painting classes, but despite several deeply embarrassing and mildly amusing anecdotes, it seemed that Bonnie had actually learned to sculpt and paint competently. For another example, it turned out their Bonnie and Brad's vigorous disagreements at a dance class had not led to a destructive clash, but to an amazing and highly satisfying synthesis. It was as if destiny, realizing that for Bonnie the art of compromise was going to be the last thing she was ever going to learn, had decided to wade her very gently into the subject. There had been a couple of ostentatious examples early in her honeymoon when she was convinced (by Ben among other people) to be the bigger person, but destiny had decided that if it took ten or fifteen years to actually be that person, destiny would be more than happy to give her the time.

But if things worked out well for Bonnie, they were working out miraculously for Danny. He had been so sweet and wonderful during his engagement with Riley, it was like being force fed raw saccharin, or so said Tucker in a rare expression of sarcasm at Danny's expense. If a certain obtuseness had not actually gone away when he was with Ben, or when he was with Ben and Tucker, it somehow never manifested itself when he was with Ben and Riley. There was always the perfect romantic gesture there to await or appease Riley, and if things went wrong there was always Ben and Tucker to make sure that things went back together. These interventions were not as common as one might think, and they had a charming quality such as the time when Danny made a cake and reversed the quantities of sugar and salt. Certainly it was an extreme outlier when Ben found out that Danny's fellow Rangers had decided not only to get him a stripper for his bachelor party, but another six strippers for a second bachelor party that ran exactly the same time at the first. At some point in his life he would undoubtedly find funny the many measures he took to make things did not collapse on Danny's head, such as watering Danny's drinks (who would have thought someone 6'5 could get drunk so easily?), being hand-cuffed to a venial, selfish lustful stripper with a talent for anti-Semitism, and successfully misleading a trio of cops called in because of complaints about the noise, (complicated because one of the cops was also moonlighting as one of strippers). Certainly nothing as painful to Ben had happened in the past few months as falling down a flight of stairs after getting out of the hand-cuffs. And of those occasions when Danny and Ben and Tucker and even Bonnie couldn't put things back together, at least three times things magically worked out for Danny anyway. But over all if it didn't appear that Danny was taking more of the initiative in his life, or learning key details about Riley's life, or actually sharing that many common interests, there would always be some reminder of the purity and duration of his love that would make any objections appear petty and churlish.

It helped, of course, that Riley had made increased efforts to be the extremely reasonable and forgiving girlfriend. Over the last few months she had found it easier to confide in Ben, who had been the model of selfless, tactful discretion. Clearly she had made her choice, and she would have to live with it. And why should she have any regrets when she was with someone as sweet and wonderful as Danny? None whatsoever, agreed Ben, who had developed the habit of keeping his hands behind his back when he was alone with Riley. After all, what would Danny be like if he was any less like Danny? Any suggestion that she had been wrong would be simply perverse. And certainly the one thing Riley Perrin was not was a frivolous woman. Meanwhile, over the past few months the relationship between Ben and Riley had gone better than one would have expected. Clearly, they were much better as friends The absence of sex and romance had clearly solved all the awkwardness they had felt towards each other! Ben had spent the months since Riley and Danny had gotten together trying to figure out what he had done wrong. After several hook-ups that had been less erotic, or even sexual than one might think, he had learned that it would be a good idea to let the woman initiate sex. He now kept a notebook where he put down key facts about the women he was dating, as well as any lessons from the Cosmo quizzes and women's magazines he read while taking Emma to library storytime. And if he ever had to choose between asking a woman out or taking care of Emma, well Emma always came first. And if this had not gotten him much, or indeed any romantic success, it was reasonable to assume that it would in time, as he told himself for the 15th time that evening. And Riley had told him earlier today, while he was part of shuffling back and forth between her and Danny as part of the traditional not seeing the bride in the wedding dress, he had been so reasonable and sympathetic. He was actually her closest friend. There was nothing strange and ironic about that at all.

Over Danny and Riley's engagement, Ben had made two serious attempts at a relationship. The second one oddly enough involved Tucker. Now that Ben was actually helping run the Bar on B, it occurred to him that instead of being irritated and afraid by Tucker's old girlfriend Vanessa and the competition she presented her, he could use her undoubted competence to help run the bar. Vanessa not only agreed to return to work at the bar, but the two soon started a civil, then friendly rapprochement. Indeed, after clarifying things with Riley about sexual harassment law, Ben asked Vanessa out for a date, and she agreed. One problem with their maturing if still chaste relationship was that Tucker, who had no more romantic success than usual, had now realized that he was actually in love with Vanessa. Which meant that Ben had once again turned himself into a third wheel in the affairs of his friends and turning the straight path of true love into a twisted triangle. At least, that was the reasonable way to present it when Vanessa abruptly broke off with Ben and returned to Tucker, if not in that order. Certainly they were a much happier, and much more sexual couple than Ben and Vanessa had ever been. And Vanessa was sincerely apologetic when she talked to Ben a week after it had ended between them. "I'm very sorry, but I don't want to be your second choice." Ben had naturally moved on after that, and there had been some promising developments. But it oddly seemed that something had happened, that something had been abruptly cancelled, so that while everyone else had true love, he would have to live on the promise of hope and a new found maturity. This would undoubtedly pay dividends in the future, and even this miserable evening would be a learning experience.

So the logical thing was to go to bed, so this learning experience would be mercifully over. He remembered his first attempt at a post-Riley relationship, with an old high school friend named Samantha, also like Vanessa a Bar on B employee, that he had long had a crush on back as a teenager. The relationship had collapsed because Sam could not stop being rude to Riley, as she had back in high school. As they broke up, she vindictively flashed her quite attractive breasts at him. Then after doing up her blouse Sam whispered into his ear and then left his life forever. Observers would have assumed that what she whispered was merely a Penthouse Forum version of her gesture. Not quite. _"I may have bullied Riley back in high school because she was fat and unattractive and unpopular..." "Not improving your case." "...but I wouldn't lie to someone I loved, and I certainly wouldn't break the heart of someone I thought I loved. You think you are being the good friend and the good brother in law. You are a fool. The others don't appreciate you and they don't respect you. I know what you really want, and when the others find out they will hate you and never forgive you." "Get out!"_

Ben did not feel like drinking, and was not really hungry. But as he stood on a bar stool he noticed a little bowl of candies. There were smarties, little Rolos, some obnoxious gumdrop like creations, some milk chocolates and some hard mint candies. Out of curiosity he noticed one of the last of these. Except it wasn't a candy at all. Picking it up he realized it was some of jewel. It looked like an emerald, yet in some way it was indescribably odd and unique. What was it doing there? And was it glowing? He looked into its centre and suddenly...

 _ **After a two a half week honeymoon Bonnie had returned to conscript the others into settling down into her new home with Brad. Indeed for the next two weeks after that she showed no curiosity whatsoever about their lives except to badger them even more into helping her. She paid no attention to how Ben and Danny were running the bar. She dismissed Tucker's informing her that Ben had started potty-training Emma, (but was doing it at Riley's so that Emma cries wouldn't upset her uncle) with a casual shrug. She certainly could not be bothered when Riley mentioned that her mother had commented on the wedding...  
**_  
This made no sense. These events hadn't actually happened to Ben. Indeed looking at the weather outside, these events must have happened months before Mom's marriage. Unless...this had happened after her first attempt to marry Brad, and they had actually married this time. Why would that have happened?

 _ **Now a month after the wedding, Bonnie decided to show some vague concern for the others' lives. "So what's new in the dating world?" "Well," said Tucker, "I thought the beautiful woman who come on to me was genuinely attracted to me, but it turned out it was all a byzantine plot to seduce my boss' boyfriend. So I suppose I should be grateful for the extremely humiliating way it all turned out, since otherwise I might have lost my job and..." "Yeah, yeah, yeah, same pathetic old Tucker. What about you Ben?" "Well actually there's so much work at the bar and so many new responsibilities I just don't seem to have the time." "Really? And what about you Riley?" "Oh, yes, work is completely crazy. Literally swamped. It's actually amazing that I have the time to talk you." "Fascinating. And what about you Danny?" "Not a lot has happened actually. Oh, last Friday I met this girl from Estonia. That's a real country right?" "Yes, it is." "Anyway, she's interested in hockey and we're having a date this evening."**_

Why was he being shown this? There was something very strange...

 _ **Later Bonnie turned up to confront Danny at the apartment. "OK, so Riley isn't seeing anyone, Ben isn't seeing anyone, and you weren't seeing anyone, but now you're going to start seeing this Estonian girl. Is it serious?"**_

 _ **"Well, I don't know if it's serious. But all things being equal we will probably have sex tonight."**_

 _ **"So, you're starting another affair, and it will probably last weeks, maybe months, because you never have the heart to end them. Is it just me, or doesn't that completely screw up the getting Riley plan? I mean both of you are, or were, free, and yet you don't seem to be doing anything to get her."**_

 _ **"Well actually about three or so months ago, Riley told me while at a hockey game that she was falling in love with me."**_

 _ **"Uh-huh, Tucker told me about that. And you had some kind of quarrel?"**_

 _ **"Yes, she had known I had loved her ever since I accidentally left a message on her phone. But she had done nothing about my feelings. And I was really hurt."**_

 _ **"So you've been doing nothing on this front for more than three months?"**_

 _ **"Well you told me yourself that you shouldn't let that kind of thing go unpunished. You have to stand your ground."**_

 _ **"Danny, that's supposed to last a few days. If nothing happens for three months, you're both losing. And what about your brother?"**_

 _ **"What about him?"**_

 _ **"You don't think he's still interested in her?"**_

 _ **"Actually, I don't think so. I mean up until we all went to Las Vegas, he couldn't shut up about being with her. God, it was so annoying. But after we came back his attitude changed completely. In fact we were talking about true love and I can remember exactly what he said..."**_

As it happened, Danny had not exactly remembered what had been said, but now Ben saw himself saying "If mom and Brad can make it work after all they've been through, maybe Ri...I mean if Mom can find real happiness when she's in her forties, it shows that we can all find true love, even if we have to wait five or ten or fifteen years..."

 _ **"So that's why you think Ben has no feelings for Riley? Because he hasn't said anything? And it hasn't occurred to you that given the relations between the three of you he might have thought it would be a good idea not to broadcast to you his every stratagem?"**_

" _ **But he hasn't done anything with Riley!"**_

 _ **"He danced with her at my wedding."**_

 _ **"Lots of people danced with her at the wedding, she was the maid of honor. I danced with her."**_

 _ **"Yes I know. You stepped on her feet. Twice."**_

 _ **"I mean three weeks ago, he went out with her to this old French movie. But he invited all three of us. It was just coincidence that Tucker was too busy, and I didn't want to see a black and white French film."**_

 _ **"What was the movie, dare I ask?"**_

 _ **"It was Jules and Jimmy or Jim and Jules and someone else or..."**_

" **Jules and Jim** _ **. You are aware that is one of the most romantic movies ever made."**_

 _ **"Really? Have you seen it?"**_

 _ **"Not on your life. But then I'm not Riley, am I?"**_

 _ **"But they haven't been doing anything else. I mean Ben goes over to Riley to help toilet train Emma. But that's because Tucker is so sensitive about the mess."**_

 _ **"Oh, so that's the reason he gave. Danny, you know that I love and care for you deeply, so please take what I am about to say with that in mind." And then she cuffed his ears.**_

 _ **"Mom!"**_

 _ **"You are going to call Riley and tell her what you feel and you better pray it's not too late."**_

 _ **"You mean today?"**_

 _ **"No, on her deathbed, when she's appointed to the Supreme Court, when she gives birth to her first child, who I'm laying even money is going to be Emma's sister! Yes I mean today!"**_

 _ **"Really? And don't you mean brother or sister?"**_

 _ **"No, I don't!"**_

And now Ben saw that Danny had the good sense not to try to make perhaps the most important decision of his life over the telephone, but managed to waylay Riley at the bar about an hour before his date. He gave a surprisingly credible pitch, admitting that he had taken his objections too far, but still trying to defend the general principle, while asserting that the two of them needed a reasonable conversation in the hope of moving forward. Men would have found it creditable, and many women would have given him the benefit of doubt, even if a vocal minority would have found it presumptuous. And then Riley spoke.

 _ **"That was quite a speech. And I suppose the best way to reply to it is to be as straightforward as possible. For the past two weeks, I've secretly been dating your brother. And when I say secretly dating that means sex."**_

 _ **"What? What? i mean..what? What? Isn't that, wait, a little premature?"**_

 _ **"Considering that this is the fourth time we've started dating, no not at all."**_

 _ **"But why, why why keep it secret?"**_

 _ **"I wanted to see if I could trust Ben. So I wanted to see if he could keep our relationship secret for a couple of weeks."**_

 _ **"Couldn't, couldn't, you maybe test Ben by not having sex?"**_

 _ **"Nooooo. That would be a lot less fun."**_

 _ **"I'm confused, I mean how did this happen, I mean why would you start this, did he try something, was it some scheme, I mean why the change..."**_

 _ **"I'm not sure what you're asking, but no it wasn't a cheap seduction on Ben's part. He was very patient, over several weeks. Once I realized that he still loved me, I took the initiative."**_

 _ **"Do you really love him?"**_

 _ **"I've always been in love with him. Now I know I was right to."**_

 _ **"I thought you were in love with me. What happened?"**_

 _ **"I got tired of waiting for you. I stopped comparing real Ben or hypothetical Ben to ideal You, and instead compared real Ben to real You."**_

Somehow Riley's consoling of Danny was subtly but quickly elided and Ben saw her walk over to himself, then working at the bar. She kissed him and told him they no longer had to keep their love a secret. Staring at the jewel it seemed so strange. A slightly different sentence, a little more caution, and everything would have been different. As he tried to take that in, he accidentally dropped the jewel. Although it only fell a couple of inches under the bar, it would be lost for decades. As it did so, the vision he had seen, the memories that he could have had, the life that could have been his, they did not fade or shatter or dissolve. It was like they were water slipping effortlessly from his hands, not leaving even moisture behind. What could have been was no longer conceivable, was now forgotten, was now not even remembered. There was only a desperate need as Ben tried to focus. And then he did. "I wish I had done something completely different."

"I suppose that's my cue."


	2. The Angel

Ben turned to see a woman approaching him. Although the people around her noticed nothing out of the ordinary, to Ben there was something immediately offsetting about her appearance. She appeared to be a woman in her late forties, dressed in an austere green. There was no attempt on her part, in direct contrast to Bonnie, to appear a decade or two younger than she was. Indeed, there was something strangely unsexual about her, something Ben couldn't define.

"Good evening, Benjamin Wheeler, although you and I both know that it has not at all been a good evening. I know the months of your brother's engagement have not been good ones, and indeed you feel the year before that had been completely wasted. What I am here to tell you is that however bad you feel, it _will_ get better. You have every reason for hope."

Ben looked at her more closely, and wondered why it was so hard to focus on her. "OK, well thank you very much complete stranger."

"Oh, I'm hardly a stranger, though admittedly you have never seen me before. If you take a closer look you will realize who I am."

Ben examined her more closely, and wondered why, except for her clothes, it was so hard to define her. She had first appeared to be white, but on taking a closer look, Ben couldn't rule out any other race. Was she fat? At first Ben had assumed she was handsome, but again, specific qualities couldn't be ruled out. As he looked at her face he was surprised to see, very briefly, the face of a lion. And then the face of an eagle. Behind the benign, generous aura, there was an aspect of pure power.

"You are trying to conceive of me within your own limited perceptions. In particular you are trying to conceive of me through gender, and having considerable difficulties."

"You're some kind of alien. And your probably sinister plan involves consoling unhappy brother in laws. OK, that doesn't make any sense."

"It's natural in this generation that you should seek a scientific solution. But your assumptions are not accurate. Mr. Wheeler, I am your guardian angel, and I am here to tell you about your future."

Ben tried to blink, and found it uncommonly difficult. "That's, that's, that's not completely unexpected. I mean I remember having this Frank Capra experience one winter wondering what it would be like if there was no Christmas, and that turned into what it would be like if there had never been an Emma, and how that would have sucked."

"Strictly speaking what you experienced was not whether there was no Christmas. It would be impossible to imagine the American Republic without Christianity. What you experienced was what if there had never been a Christmas Holiday season, as many of the Puritans originally intended. Much as we do now with Ascension Sunday."

"What's Ascension Sunday?"

"Exactly my point. Now Mr. Wheeler, have you seen 'Angels in America'?"

"No."

"What do you mean no?"

"I mean I am aware there is both a play and a TV mini-series, but I've never seen either."

"Well, in the TV version Emma Thompson appears as an angel to one of the AIDS victims. And they end up having sex."

"Oh really?"

"Yes. What I want to make clear to you is that there is absolutely no chance of that happening this evening."

"Umm, OK. I actually haven't had that active a sex life recently, and I wasn't really thinking of you as my type. No offense."

"None taken. It's just that people have all sorts of silly ideas about angels, and you have to be very clear on this point. Now that we've taken care of the preliminaries, I want to give you a clearer impression of your future."

What was Ben seeing, if he was seeing anything at all? It was not a particular scene from his future, or a set of images, but a sort of vague immersion into _something_ , a sort of realization of inevitable truth. "You realize that you will work hard at the bar, that you will devote your life to your work and your daughter, and that because of your hard work and effort, you will prosper, and you will not only prosper but become rich. You can rest assured with this genuine achievement. Indeed, by the time you die you will have lifted yourself into the wealthiest 7% of Americans."

"Oh. I suppose that's all good then."

"You don't quite seem enthused by this. Many people would like to know that they had achieved something."

"I'm sorry, I don't mean to sound ungrateful. I mean I wasn't actually that worried about money this evening."

"Well, you can be completely assured that everything will be all right on that score."

"Actually can you tell me about how my family and friends are? If not that's too much trouble?"

"No trouble at all. I can assure you that your brother, your mother and your closest friends and all their spouses all live lives filled with love and happiness."

"Oh good. And what about Emma?"

"She too will live a happy, wealthy life, knowing how much you cared for her." The angel paused. "Eventually."

"Eventually?"

"Yes, eventually. After years of expensive therapy she will realize that you did everything for her best interest. And she will have your money to live on as she lives the rest of her life as a somewhat lonely divorcee."

"As a somewhat lonely what? Could you just back up there for a minute?"

"But I already told you that her therapist eventually convinces her that everything you did was motivated by love."

"What do you mean by everything I did? Did I do something wrong?"

"Arguably not. And she has so much of her life to enjoy your fortune."

"What do you mean by 'arguably not'? And what do you mean about having so much of her life to enjoy my fortune?"

"Oh, didn't I make that clear? You die of a heart attack when you're 65."

"Umm...that's a bit earlier that I might expect."

"Well, you have to make sacrifices if you want to be rich. Particularly if you're weren't already rich to begin with. Stress, hypertension, less exercise that you might think, a certain emotional deadness..."

"A certain emotional what?"

"Please don't interrupt me. If you really want to show serious social mobility, you have to make sacrifices. You can't spend all your time with your friends, or waste it on your family. You can't be relaxing or gallivanting when the mood takes you. You have to be serious and sober. And so, as I said, you died of a heart attack when you're 65. Three months before your mother dies."

"Oh no! Did my death hasten Mom's death?"

"What? No, your mother dies because she was attempting a sex act that would be physically dangerous for a woman half her age. You can rest assured that your death does not cause any of your friends and family excessive pain or trauma."

"Umm, all right. But what about my daughter?"

"You can be assured that your most ardent wishes were successfully achieved. Now what do you want most for your daughter?"

"I want her to become a strong, self-confident successful woman."

"You mean like your mother?"

"Actually no. I meant more like Riley"

"Riley is not a strong, self confident woman."

"Actually she is, or she can be. I want her, and Emma, to be that."

"Regardless, that's the wrong answer. What you want is your daughter not to make the same mistakes you did. Therefore you don't want her to get pregnant out of wedlock, and you certainly don't want her to associate with riff-raff like you who would do that. And indeed, she became dangerously attracted to someone exactly like you, or someone exactly like you a year or two ago, and not the hard-working, respectable wealthy member of society you will eventually become. And so you make sure that never happens, and she marries someone completely different from the you of today."

"Wait, didn't you say she got divorced?"

"Yes, after eleven years of marriage."

"Why? What went wrong?"

"Well some might say she spent the best years of her life enslaved to a selfish evangelical bigot who sucked her dry like an emotional vampire, and who then abandoned her when he found someone 15 years younger who would do the same thing. A more generous version would say that she was lucky to be given the opportunity to provide sexual pleasure and relief to one of the great philanthropists of our time, a man who would redefine the concept of charity."

"Really? What kind of charities?"

"Well, in the future there is a powerful movement among evangelical Christianity and the Republican party, of which your future son-in-law is a leading member and advocate, that successfully argues that charity is simply wasted on poor people."

"Really?"

"Oh, very much so. They're completely undeserving. Consider by contrast the many rich people who are cruelly victimized by the estate tax. Or perhaps more accurately, mildly inconvenienced. Your future son-in-law will successfully dedicate his life ensuring that they receive the charity they deserve. He has many desirable qualities, and you respect him for those. Which is interesting, since he never respects you for having a child our of wedlock."

"Ah."

"You seem unenthusiastic."

"I'm sorry. I'm supposed to be dedicating my life for Emma's happiness, and I seem to have ruined it."

"Oh no, she gets everything she needs. And she gets everything she wants except sexual happiness and children."

"What about love?"

"Well in the end she realizes that you loved her, in your own way. And if she doesn't exactly find 'love' with her husband, for much of her marriage she believes Jesus loves her. And isn't that arguably more important?"

"Would she have been happy had she married the man I rejected?"

"Well that's a complex question. On the one hand, yes. On the other hand, she would be completely unable of leading discussions on the Pauline epistles and she would never, ever know who Michael Novak is. So arguably it's a wash."

"I don't really think that's the case. What about children?"

"Well yes she would have had children. But children have an enormous carbon footprint, and arguably not having any is better dealing with greenhouse gases than any form of government regulation."

"What about my search for love?"

"What about it?"

"Do I ever find a woman who loves me?"

"Oh that's an interesting question. No."

"Why not?"

"Well originally it's because you were looking for someone who loved Emma as much as Riley did. And you never did. Later on as Emma grew up and you tried to compromise that. But as time went on you realized that you didn't deserve love."

"What?! Why would I think that?"

"Oh it's very logical. As time passes and you become more mature and selfless it might occur to people that the reason you lost Riley was simply a matter of bad timing. If you had been like this earlier, if you had been more like the perfect friend that Danny was, she would have trusted you more and she wouldn't have fallen in love with Danny. Indeed, it would appear that Danny only married Riley out of his good luck and your bad luck. And that would cast a shadow of pathos over the entire relationship. No, it would be much better for everyone involved if you realized that you could never have won Riley, and could never have deserved her. And what better way for you to vindicate your brother's love than living in self-hatred and contempt?"

"How is it better for me?"

"That's typically selfish of you. Thinking only of yourself."

"How is it better for Emma?"

"I think we've demonstrated that Emma lives in the best of all possible worlds."

"Actually _we_ haven't demonstrated anything of the kind."

"Look, you don't seem to understand that Christianity does not put a high value on sexual happiness. Instead, our ideal marriage is one in which the couple recognize not only the limits of passion, but show a properly stoic attitude to the many sufferings of the vale of tears. We feel this best vindicates God's infinite love for his creatures."

"I imagine you do."

"I can't say I'm enthusiastic about your tone. There is so much cant and sentimentality about love. In particular, who would ever believe that for you that love was ever anything other than a code word for sex? By contrast, the successful achievement of material effort is a genuine accomplishment, something that future businessmen and entrepreneurs can look back at with legitimate pride."

"Who are you?! Are you from the Ayn Rand school of angels?"

"I prefer the Ludwig von Mises school, since Rand was an atheist. And a sociopath."

"I am supposed to be grateful that I live a loveless life and that I cause pain and unhappiness to my only daughter?"

"You're not appreciating that value of what you achieved. It's easy to say you choose love over wealth. But you're not paying attention to the many material blessings your wealth provides you."

"Such as what?"

"Well, to be honest, not as much as you might think, since the best way for you to earn large amounts of money is to save as much of it as possible and never spend it. But when you're 57 you do spend the equivalent of $80,000 today on a incredibly wonderful car."

"So I get to enjoy that?"

"Well, to be honest again, you live in Manhattan, and traffic still sucks thirty to forty years in the future. So for most of the time it just stays in expensive storage. But if you chose love over wealth you'd never get a chance to get it."

"Yeah, I am still not seeing the bright side."

"Trust me, you don't want to be in the bottom 93% of the population once the Republicans come back into power. Look, you are concentrating on you and your daughter's feelings. You don't realize the happiness that your family and friends have."

"But the reason they are happy is because they have people who love them!"

"You're not focusing on the right issue. Your brother is ecstatically happy now that he's married Riley. He wouldn't be that happy if he weren't."

"Really? How happy would he be?"

"He'd only be very, very, very happy with the woman he eventually ends up."

"What? How would that happen?"

"Well if Riley had ultimately ended up with you, he would have gone to some kind of therapist and relationship counselor. And he would have learned that if he actually wanted love he needed to have a clearer sense of goals. So instead of just falling in love with every woman who threw himself into his arms he actually needed to focus. And having learned these goals it would have been easy for him to actually find someone to love."

"What about Riley?"

"Ah, the elephant in the room! I knew we would get here! You're still thinking of being with Riley, even though she's now your brother's wife. You want to know what happens! Well here it is!" And once again Ben found himself in the vague immersion of something, the same impression of inevitable truth. Only this time he felt expelled from it and returned to reality gasping for breath.

"Do you realize what happens, Ben! Imagine you and Riley living in a crowded apartment, trying to raise three children, living on a fraction of Danny and Riley's income! And because you're with Riley, you never sleep with the wife of a potential buyer of the bar. The buyer doesn't blacklist you from New York bars, in turn Danny doesn't buy the bar and make you a co-owner, so you never become anything more than a bartender. And in a way it is your fault that Riley's legal career never advances, but in fact shockingly regresses. Do you understand the consequences of your dreams?"

"I'd have two children with Riley."

"What?"

"I'd have two girls. They won't exist if I never love her."

"Oh no! And you're going to tell me that that your children means more to you than all the wealth you could ever earn as a bar owner."

"Yes! Of course they do!"

"That's easy for you to say! But you don't think about all the regrets over what could have been if you hadn't had them, or what you could have had if you've never sacrificed for them."

"My God, do I actually spend my life regretting my own children?"

"Well no, not really, because you genuinely love your family and friends and want to do the right thing for them. But you can't deny that it occasionally comes up. More importantly you can't deny that you are in a way responsible for hampering Riley's career."

"Would she have been happier with Danny?"

"I can definitely say she would be richer."

"That's not what I asked."

"Well with money you can buy a lot of peace of mind. So arguably yes."

"And the children I saw would be Danny's children?"

"Well no, because if Danny was their father they'd be completely different individuals. And it's not necessarily clear that Danny and Riley even have children, let alone two."

"Why not?"

"Well it turns out that one of the things about being a hockey player is that it involves spending at least six months of the year on the road. And since only a small minority of professional hockey games are played in New York, that does complicate the chances of conceiving a child. And there may be the slight problem that as times goes on Riley is less enthusiastic about having Danny's children. But that doesn't alter the fact that Riley's career never advances is she marries you, and that is arguably your fault."

"Oh dear God, what do I do? Do I cripple her in some kind of driving accident?"

"No, of course not. Neither of you own a car."

"Do I cheat on her?"

"Yes."

"Why? Why would I sleep with another woman?"

"I didn't say you did. Jesus said that anyone who looks with lust in his heart at another woman is guilty of adultery. So by that standard, you are guilty of adultery."

"What about the standard that involves actual sex?"

"Well no, but you are arguably still responsible for his failure to advance in law."

"Why do I do? Do I get her drunk before an important trial? Oh wait, do I actually make her an alcoholic?"

"Nothing so dramatic."

"Do I screw up some important trial, or destroy important exhibits, or something else like that?"

"Again, nothing so dramatic."

"OK, I'm getting tired of playing twenty questions. What exactly do I do wrong?"

"Riley's law firm has many wealthy clients. That's why Riley is as relatively prosperous as she is. Now one way to have lots of money is to break the law. And one way for a wealthy law firm to make a lot of money is finding good legal reasons for such unscrupulous rich people to keep their money. Follow me so far?" Ben nodded. "Now an even quicker way for a lawyers at a law firm to make large amounts of money is to break the law to help the aforementioned unscrupulous rich people keep their money. This allows several lawyers at Riley's law firm to become very rich. But eventually other lawyers and the authorities notice this, and the cabal at Riley's law firm decided they needed a scapegoat. And so they chose Riley to frame."

"And how is that my fault?"

"Well, if she had married Danny, she's married to a New York Ranger. Framing her might bring up a lot of unwelcome attention, so in that world the cabal choose someone else as their fall girl. But they wouldn't be so scrupulous with someone who's married to a lowly bartender."

"That's horrible! Does she go to prison?"

"No. She eventually finds a way out. But the scandal destroys the law firm, and to even scrupulous law firms she's damaged goods. She had to do a lot of public interest and other work, which pays a lot less well. That's especially true since she has a lot of law school debts. At her current law firm she could manage them quite nicely, especially with Danny's help. But because she married you, you'll always have to struggle."

"I'm still not sure this is my fault."

"Well, there's another reason, and this is something you are directly responsible for."

"What is it that do I wrong?"

"Clearly, many people would think this is a direct moral failure on your behalf."

"Many people? You mean there's disagreement?"

"Well some thinkers would think you would be less guilty."

"What sort of thinkers?"

"Well decadent, corrupt, nihilistic, relativistic liberal thinkers."

"Thinkers such as who..."

"Does it really matter? They're not that important."

"Could you name one?"

"Well decadent, corrupt, nihilistic, relativistic liberal thinkers like Immanuel Kant."

"What? OK, I'm a college dropout, but I don't think Kant falls into that category."

"Well many people would say that didn't. But there is a strong minority who say that is exactly who he is."

"Who?"

"Well idiots mostly. But since some of them eventually became some of the world's leading economists I think their views should be treated with respect."

"What exactly did I do wrong?"

"You grievously violated the law firm's very generous family leave policy. They require eighteen months notice and thanks to you Riley could only give eight. That's another reason why she was framed, because by doing so Riley had clearly inconvenienced so many people."

"What kind of company requires 18 months notice?"

"Look in many OECD countries, the idea is that companies should adjust their benefits to the convenience of their employees. But in this country the principle is clearly the other way around, and you violated it!"

'What happened? Was a shotgun wedding the only way I could get Riley to marry me?"

"No. There a couple of variations. In one variation, you manage to win an all-expense paid honeymoon in Paris, but Riley is so terrified of flying, she forgets to take her birth control pills. In another variation you take her to the gynecologist and you harmlessly flirt with the stunningly beautiful blonde assistant. As it happens the assistant is not an incompetent bimbo, but a woman of considerable guile and strategic ability. Seducing the gynecologist's son is only the beginning of a long and complex career. However, her actual work isn't a priority, and she confuses Riley's data with that of 57 year old librarian. And with that inaccurate information in mind, the two of you conceive a girl."

"Yeah, this really isn't the most compelling moral argument against my being with Riley."

"You're missing the point. You're wondering if you could make Riley happy. You haven't been asking whether it was probable that you would ever have the chance to do so."

"So could I? Is there anything I could have done to win her?"

"Of course you could have. All you had to do was be a completely different person: the boy who excelled at school, the man who stayed through college and made something of his life, the man who didn't lust after women, the boy who didn't tell Riley she was fat and who loved her even as she pushed him into lockers. But since that person wouldn't be you, it's a moot question."

"Is there anything I could have done after I got Emma?"

"That's a narrower question."

"Is there anything I could have done in the past thirty months that I could do to win her?"

"You speak of 'win' or 'lose' as if Riley was a prize. It's not an attractive quality."

"Is there anything I could have done to make her love me?"

"Arguably she already loves you, as a friend and as a brother-in-law."

"IS THERE ANYTHING I COULD HAVE DONE SINCE EMMA WAS BORN SO THAT RILEY WOULD MARRY ME?"

"Oh, this is so frustrating!" The angel struck the bar and stamped 'her' feet in frustration. Had Ben not been so caught up in the moment he would have wondered why the other people in the room didn't notice. "I can leave things unsaid, subtly appeal to people's hopes and prejudices, and play on their ignorance! But once asked a direct question I can't lie to you! Yes! Yes, you could have!"

"When?"

"Whenever chance worked against you. When your mother accidentally brought home another baby instead of Emma, when the camera at the hockey game didn't catch your sign, when a thief tried to steal from you, leaving Riley blindfolded on the subway, when your mother brought Angela back into your life, when Angela accidentally turned up at the rendezvous you arranged with Riley, when Angela called you about Emma at another romantic rendezvous, when Riley spied you saying that it was a hypothetical possibility you might try to work things out with Angela, when you tried to catch Riley and the elevator closed a few seconds earlier, when you arrived at Riley's apartment and incorrectly though she had slept with Fitch, when Riley wanted to sleep with you on the train trip to Florida, but the sleeping bunk flipped back at exactly the wrong moment, when you spent all night talking on the train with her instead of sleeping with her, when you told too many people too soon you were back together, when the two of you noticed Danny's carved love message, when you didn't bring up the champagne up and had to go down and get it, when Georgie dumped Danny immediately, when Danny and Riley ended up at the exact same movie theatre, when you weren't able to contact Riley wondering whether she still loved you, one could go on and on. On each occasion, had it gone the other way you and Riley would be together now."

"Really? How?"

"Take the first time you tried to date her. You would still be selfish and immature, and you'd irritate her with your bedroom manner. But you would give her the courage to help her pass the bar, and for that she would always love you. Likewise, if you had 'consummated' your 'relationship' on the train ride to Florida, she would have been closer to you, and less suspicious. Danny leaving would be unfortunate, but she'd be less likely to think that her best friend should be her boyfriend. You wouldn't be the best lover, just as you weren't the best father, but you would make the effort to be a good lover and husband, just as you make the effort to be a good father."

"Would we have been happy?"

"Happiness is a complex question, but arguably, tendentiously, somewhat misleadingly, the two of you and your daughters would conceivably be happy in a very narrow and limited sense."

"I only have daughters?"

"In every simulation there is of your life you cause zero to three successful pregnancies. These result in zero to four children, all girls."

"That's a bit improbable isn't it?"

"No. Your having more children is contingent on Emma's existence. If Emma had never been conceived, there would have been a pregnancy scare a couple of months after the time you actually got her. You'd respond to this by having a vasectomy, hence no more children. By contrast there is a one in four chance after Emma was born that your next two children would be girls. In some simulations, your third pregnancy results in identical twins, not altering the probability of sex."

"Oh. Well that's kind of nice."

"And that's why I had to work so hard so that everything would go wrong!"

"What? What do you mean?"

"All those incidents when blind chance worked against you, it wasn't. It was me working against you."

"What? Why would you do such a thing?"

The angel smiled coldly and Ben saw the face of an eagle he had seen when he first met 'her.' "I told you I'm your guardian angel. I do not guard you from evil or temptation or death. My job is to guard you from Riley Perrin, from her smaller than average breasts, from her sharp temper that you find sexy and that your brother is too stupid to notice, and from her short haircut that makes her look like a boy. And I have been quite successful."

"That's what you've been doing all my life? You know, there are probably plenty of people in Syria who think angels should have a higher sense of priorities."

"Well Syria is almost entirely Muslim, so they're not a high priority."

"Again, why would you do this?"

"The powers that be have decided that Riley should end up with Danny."

"Why?"

"Are you suggesting that you would be better for her? That's not a nice thing to think about your brother."

"Wouldn't it have been easier for Danny to have always had Riley then?"

"You're not understanding the deep moral reason why the powers that be chose Danny."

"Was it because I could never be good enough for her?"

"Much as I would like to have you think that, no, not really."

"Was it because I didn't share enough interests with her?"

"Again, no not really."

"Was it because Danny was so wonderful I could never compete with him?"

"Many people deeply believe that, but considering how passive he was to trying to get her, and that arguably in the end you did more to set the two of them up than he did, it's kind of hard to defend that idea. And some people might wonder why if he had always loved her, he didn't say or do anything about it in the years before Emma came around."

"So what was so wrong with me that I could never have her?"

"Your poll numbers weren't good enough."

"What?"

"My, you ask a lot of questions. But from early on it was clear that Danny was massively more popular than you."

"Umm...why?"

"You mean why did people flock over to Mr. Chippendale with the soul of a puppy? Seriously what woman could resist such a man? At least for a time."

"Well for the longest time Riley could and did."

"More to the point you became massively unpopular. You don't understand how many people deeply disliked you for getting in your brother's way."

"I didn't know he was in love in her!"

"Yes, and one might think that Danny, realizing you didn't know about his feelings, could have told you about them, instead of letting you fall more and more in love with Riley. Likewise, one might also think that if Danny had really loved Riley for twenty years, he could have done more than just accidentally leaving a message on her phone. But for many people it was easier to believe that you and Riley were guilty of willful blindness, for which you both had to be severely punished."

"I don't believe this! This is incredible!"

"You see many people hated you because you didn't realize Riley's unrequited love for you, when her love should have gone to Danny. Then many people hated you when you started falling in love with her. Then nothing happened and they ignored you for some time. Then you increasingly fell in love with her, and they became quite angry with you, particularly as Danny did little to gain Riley's affections. It's actually quite remarkable. How do we make sure that you don't end up with Riley? Some Danny fans just wanted to drop a piano on your head, but I put my foot down. Metaphorically speaking, since angels no more have feet than they have gender."

"Good Lord."

"Some people thought it might be a good idea if you developed a drug addiction. That way we could get rid of you, and Danny would have Emma as a bonus. But others, including me, thought that didn't set the right tone."

"Oh, _that_ was the main problem with the idea."

"Much more popular was having you realize that you were gay. That way everything works out for everybody and we don't have to kill you."

"It doesn't work out for me! I'm not gay!"

"Do you know what kind of man denies that he's gay? Gay men."

"What about men who are actually deeply in love with women?"

"Usually it doesn't come up. But it's a perfectly feasible explanation. After all your father is gay, and homosexuality has a large hereditary component. And homosexuality covers a wide spectrum of behavior: it contains behavior that people call 'effeminate.' It contains behavior people call extremely masculine. It contains unhappily married men, indifferently married men, even happily married men. It contains womanizing lotharios and men who respect them deeply..." Ben glared angrily at the Angel. "OK, you are clearly not buying this."

"No, no I am not."

"But we avoided these cheap tricks, and came up with a solution that everyone would find satisfactory. Not you, of course, your opinion doesn't count. Admittedly there were some problems: Danny sulking for more than two months rather than actually talking to Riley, Danny dating another woman, Danny not actually breaking up with that woman because he realized that he loved Riley more, but losing her just in time because of his own stupidity and because you blurted out that he was trying to smooth talk that stupidity away. Also, there's the bit that he seems more upset that you might get her back rather than trying to win Riley himself. It's a good thing that people like Danny so much that they don't really think much about his actual behavior. And there's also the fact that everyone lies to you, and we have to argue that this is somehow your fault. And there's also the problem that Danny and Riley more resemble siblings than lovers. What do you know about women's erotica, Ben?"

"Umm, well actually, umm it's well...it's a bit difficult.."

"I'll save you the embarrassment. It turns out that most women's sexual fantasies do not revolve around their dogs. So having a husband whose main quality is a dog-like devotion might not be the most long-lasting relationship. Some argued that if Riley found you immature, how long would she stay with someone whose IQ was 15 points lower? But I pointed out, in the words of Anthony Powell, _'Women_ may show some discrimination about whom they sleep with, but _they_ ' _ll marry anybody_.' And it's not as if people were going to pay attention to the relationship for more than a couple of years."

"I'm not sure this is a convincing solution."

"And we finally found a way of dealing with your feelings. You would realize that Danny's motives were infinitely nobler and purer than yours, and would support his efforts out of pure fraternal love. You would also realize that you had never really truly loved in Riley in the first place, and as such nobody would feel uncomfortable than you would never get her. Quite frankly, I'm very disappointed with your attitude. You are not keeping up with your end of the bargain."

"What bargain? I haven't been offered anything."

"Well you see some Danny fans thought that since Danny's love was so inherently pure and noble that you should get no credit for giving Riley up, just as you would get no credit for not murdering small children. Other Danny fans thought that the nobility of your sacrifice would be compromised if you actually got anything in return for it. So you didn't."

"And apparently the powers that be have decided that I should never love anyone?"

"That makes us sound callous. No, we did think up some ideas. Not very deep or plausible ideas, since they would cost money and would have been very complicated to segue into the general storyline of your lives. But we did think up some ideas. And then we realized we were out of time, so we didn't have to bother. But it's the thought that counts. And look there's an important moral lesson you're not learning."

"Like what?"

"Let see, what was it again? 'You should never compete with your brother.' That doesn't sound right. 'However, hard you try you will never be able to improve yourself.' Not quite. Maybe it was 'Popularity is the only thing that counts.' Wait a minute. 'You can't hope to win everything in life.'"

"I'm not asking for everything!"

"Well you can't expect it, unlike your brother who can reasonably expect it because he is taller, richer and more handsome than you. Oh wait, now I've got it. 'Marrying the thin, slightly hypochondriac girl who has been one of your closest friends and who has loved you most of her life is too much to ask for. You should set your sights lower. Like on nothing.' You already have a daughter from a thoughtless fling. Why should you get true love as an indirect consequence from that? No, it's much more just that you lose her forever and spend the rest of your life regretting it. Look that's not the point. The important thing is that you think that marriage would be the most important thing in your life. That if you married Riley you would truly be happy. But that's just a sentimental delusion. Half or so of all American marriages end in divorce, and economic need and emotional cowardice are what keep much of the rest together. Christianity is not a religion about ordinary human passion. It is about the infinite Love and Justice of God, and one's absolute faith in that love and justice. Marriage is merely a means to other ends."

"Doesn't the bible say 'Enjoy happiness with a woman you love all the days of life that has been granted to you under the sun-all your fleeting days-for that alone is what you can get out of life and out of the means you acquire under the sun.'?"

The angel was genuinely surprised. "Why the hell are you reading Ecclesiastes?"

"Well once I botched my mother's first attempt to marry, we had a real preacher conduct the second ceremony, and he had these selected quotations prepared for the service. And that one stuck in my memory."

"Oh, those Jews. When we tried drafting a Testament the second time, we had a lot higher quality control. That way no one will ever know what Saint Andrew thought about threesomes."

"Not to be rude, but I'm beginning to think you might be completely crazy."

"You don't appreciate what I've offered you. You don't seem to realize that you could get so much less, so very quickly."


	3. The Choice

Just then Rebecca Perrin entered the bar and approached Ben. He looked at this watch and was surprised to find that no time had actually passed, and that it was still a half hour before he was due to pick up Emma. "Hey Ben, have you seen Emma?"

"I thought you were watching her."

"Yeah, and I got bored. So I left her at her table and went to dance with some people, and when I came back 15 minutes later she was gone."

"You left my daughter alone?! Emma could be anywhere! She could have been kidnapped!"

"Why? You don't trust your guests? Anyway, have you seen her in the bar?"

"I think people would notice a two year old child near an open bar." Ben quickly looked around and saw no sign of Emma. He slowly started to stride out of the bar. Then he quickly stopped and turned around when he realized that Rebecca was not only not following him, but had turned his back on him and was getting a drink. He yanked her by the arm: "You are going to help!" Quickly he raced through the corridors calling for Emma, delayed only by his tugging Rebecca along to keep up with him. "Tucker! Mom! Brad! Vanessa! Have any of you seen Emma?!"

Tucker and Bonnie quickly turned up, followed a little later by Brad and Vanessa. "How could you have lost her?" asked Bonnie intemperately. "Look, is she in any of the rooms you were just in?" "She certainly wasn't in the ball room I was in" said Vanessa.

Ben tried to think, or at least not to panic. "Tucker, Vanessa, check the washrooms. Maybe she wandered into one of them."

"Maybe the front desk knows where she is," Bonnie suggested.

Ben and Bonnie raced to the front desk, while Tucker and Vanessa peeked into the washrooms. Brad turned into a kitchen to see if Emma was there (she wasn't). Rebecca was strongly tempted to wander away, but then realized that Ben could blame her for Emma being lost in the first place. So she followed Ben and Bonnie at a respectable pace.

"Have you seen my daughter? She's two years old."

"No."

"Is there anyone else at the desk who might have seen her?"

"Not likely, no."

"Does the hotel have a lost and found place where she might be?"

"No. And you really should take better care of your daughter."

Now Ben was genuinely distraught. "Emma! Emma!" He rushed around the hotel entrance calling out for Emma. "Excuse me," asked the hotel clerk.

"Yes?"

"You're causing a disturbance. Could you please be quieter?"

Just then a guest tapped Ben on the shoulder. "Are you looking for that small girl who's outside?" Ben quickly dashed out the doors, followed by Bonnie and the others. And then he saw Emma crossing the street, unaware of a truck bearing down on her. Ben immediately flew to his daughter, and had just enough time to push her safely to the sidewalk opposite before the truck hit him. The truck was braking, all too slowly, as Ben felt intense pain before he fell unconscious.

Where was he? For some reason the phrase "darkness visible" flashed into his mind. "No, you're not dead Mr. Wheeler. Not yet." Ben didn't have a clear idea of place, or of vision, but he could hear the Angel. And now he could see the Angel, the face of the lion, the face of the eagle. But Ezekiel was wrong, not the face of an ox, but the face of a bull, cruel, dangerous, carnivorous. "A few moments ago, you said you would prefer love over money. Now we will get to see if you prefer love over your own life." The voice was not sarcastic, but its contempt and self-righteousness were absolute.

Ben was understandably disoriented. "You have heard of the concept of limbo. For your purposes that will be sufficient to explain where you are. Your body is dying. Nothing can be done to save it. But I am going to give you a choice. Not the choice where you get the happiness you wish. But a choice nevertheless. Listen to me very carefully. I am going to explain to you the nature of the decision you must make. Once I am satisfied you understand the nature of the choice, you will go back to the relevant moment of time and you will have five minutes, with the full knowledge of what you know now, to make that decision. If you try to take longer than those five minutes, you will automatically return here and die. Now here is your choice. You are going back to the morning after you found Emma on your doorstop. When you told Child Services you were going to keep Emma, the visiting social worker gave you a form to sign to confirm that. She gave you five minutes to sign that form, or give her Emma. She actually gave you the time so she could take a cigarette break in the hall, but regardless... You are going to go back to that exact moment, and you will choose whether to keep Emma or give her up."

"So if I keep Emma I will relive the past two or more years?"

"Not exactly. If you decide to keep Emma, the years that go by will flash by in seconds and you will return here and die."

"What if I give her away? What happens then?"

"You will live your life as if she had never been. However, since they never happened, all the memories that you have had with her and that time will vanish within a few seconds. You will certainly no longer have any feelings for Riley, and Riley will have no reason to stay in your life if she's not here to help you raise Emma."

"Wait a minute. I remember having this experience wondering if there had never been Emma."

"Oh yes. Why don't you remind us of the consequences?"

"I never helped Riley get over her fear of taking the bar exam. So she never became a lawyer and she was stuck as a waitress. And somehow I never realized that Dad was gay, so Mom is still trapped in a loveless marriage. And for some reason Danny developed a drinking problem. Why would that happen?"

"Peer pressure. It's easier to resist if you have a three month year old niece to take care of. Oh, I haven't told you about the extremely painful yet grimly hilarious thing that happens to Tucker. I think I will leave that to your imagination. But the point is that you can save your miserable life at the price of ruining those of everyone you care about. You won't exactly know how you did this, but I think a vague sense of guilt will haunt you to the end of your days. Oh yes, one more thing. You do immediately get a vasectomy, so no more children."

"What about Emma?"

"A good question. She is after all, white, healthy and sane, so she should be the perfect adoption baby for a wealthy family that could cater to her every desire. But you will never find that out, even if there was anything in you that would make you recant your decision. By contrast, if you decide to keep her, Emma will go immediately to her guardian Riley. And of course to her husband, your brother Daniel. Which means that after having most of your mother's love, and after winning Riley from you, he will get to have Emma as well. A trifecta of sorts. And she will live in a much wealthier and happier atmosphere that you could ever provide for her. You, by contrast, will be nothing more than a few photographs and videos to your daughter. Incidentally, you understand that your death will be very traumatic for Rebecca. So she will deal with it by claiming that it was your fault that Emma wandered away.

"So, once again, the choice is whether the love you claim to have and to want is more important than your own life. Now do you understand everything I've said to you?"

"Yes."

"Good. Your five minutes begin now." And Ben found himself at a table with the custody documents in front of him. He heard the door to the apartment click shut, as he realized the social worker for child services had just left to take her cigarette. Emma was in a bassinet on the couch. Emma or the document. Ben had the pen in his right hand. He looked over the document and made sure that it ensured his rights, instead of renouncing them. He took a deep breath and exhaled. No time like the present, and he started to sign his name-"Benjamin Bon Jovi Wh..."

Wait a minute. I have five minutes to make the decision. But the decision isn't complete until I finish my signature. Which means I can still use my knowledge of what happens to me and do something with it.

Ben checked his wrist and cursed himself when he realized he wasn't wearing a watch. He dashed into his bedroom and searched frantically for it. Did he have one? Where was it? Then he realized his alarm clock had a second hand on it. He had to assume that he had no more than four minutes. He took the clock and dashed back to the table. Paper! He could write himself a note! But where was note paper? Was there any in the apartment? Maybe there was something in the wastebasket. No, nothing. Ben looked at the table. Of course, the form where he renounced his rights. Since he wasn't using it, he could use the back to write on. But he needed something to make sure the paper wouldn't be lost. An envelope! But where would he find one?

"So has the social worker come by? I thought I heard someone." It was Tucker walking out of his room. Yes, Tucker was with him that day! "Tucker, you wouldn't happen to have an envelope?"

"What? Didn't Child Services give you one?"

'This isn't about Child Services? Do you have an envelope?"

"What do you need an envelope for?"

"It's too complicated to explain. But I really need an envelope and I need it more than anything I have ever needed."

"More than the condom you should have used a year ago?"

"Tucker! Please!"

"Hold on. I think I have some things from work." And Tucker strolled leisurely back into his room and slowly, deliberately looked through his things. "Oh, here is one..." and Ben snatched it out of his hand. "Sorry about that. Now, I don't have time to explain, but if you could be absolutely silent for the next..." Then, realizing that his alarm clock was on the table, he dashed over to it, grabbed it and quickly dashed back. "..two minutes and twenty one seconds, it could literally mean everything to me."

Ben dashed back to the table, wrote RILEY on the back of the envelope, then turned the renunciation form over and started writing. You love Riley. I love you Riley. I am so sorry I called you fat. I am so sorry I ruined your sixteenth birthday. DON'T SLEEP WITH OTHER WOMEN. DON'T SLEEP WITH ANGELA! I love you more than sex, so don't keep pushing sex. Remember what her favorite flower is, **(tulips!)** try and enjoy The Princess Bride. Oh right, she likes The Verdict and after seeing if three times over the last four months so do you. She's allergic to eggplant linguini? BE A BETTER FRIEND. Work harder! Read more about law (remember supreme court justices!). Help her pass the bar exam!

What else?! What else?! But just then the social worker re-entered, half a minute early. "Are we finished?" With his concentration broken Ben looked up. "Just a minute," and he automatically folded up the letter and placed it in the envelope. Sealing the envelope he was already forgetting its contents. Then realizing that his signature was incomplete, he finished it with three seconds to spare. "Here you go," and handed it to the Social worker.

The next instant and Ben was stunned by the jerk in time. Where was he? It was months later, the memorial service for Fitch, who wasn't actually dead. Another instant, and Riley was in front of him, crying. Oh dear God what had he done wrong now? Another instant, and he was on the roof of his apartment building. The old treehouse, his mother's first attempt at second marriage, he in his suit, and Riley in her maid of honor dress, smiling at him. And then finally, he in the street seeing Emma safely pushed on to the sidewalk as the truck bore down on him. Then intense pain, blackness and then nothing at all.

And then something after all. Ben opened his eyes. It was dark, a dark place, with only a reading light nearby. He was in a bed, a hospital bed. Riley was sitting in a chair on his right reading. He couldn't see clearly.

"Oh my God, you're awake."

"Where am I?"

"Ben, you've been in a coma for the last five days!" Ben tried to move and instantly regretted it. "Don't try to move. You've got a broken leg, and two of your ribs are broken. The good news is that the doctors said you could make a complete recovery if you got out of the coma."

"Where's everyone else?"

"Well it's 4:30 in the morning, so they're asleep. Emma's safe, and my sister is still a selfish bitch."

"Is there something wrong with my vision? I'm having trouble seeing."

"Really?" Riley pointed her right hand at Ben and made the V for Victory sign with her fingers. "How many fingers do you see?"

"Two."

Riley then put her left hand far behind her head, showing three fingers. "Now how many do you see?"

"Three."

"OK, there isn't any problem with your eyes. It's just that your head is wrapped in bandages, and you're wearing a neck brace. They're acting like blinders."

"Is there anything else I should be worried about?"

"The doctors suggested you might have trouble with your short term memory. What's the last thing you remember?"

"Signing Emma's papers."

"Which papers?"

"The papers that I signed to get custody of her."

"Really? You don't remember anything over the last thirty months?"

"...I'm trying to think. My mother remarried."

"Oh she certainly did. We're going to tell stories about _that_ to our children for years to come."

"And I remember thinking that one of our neighbors had stolen Emma's pet lamb, only to realize that we'd just simply mislaid it."

"OK, what else?"

"And Tucker had this really annoying girlfriend named Vanessa, and he broke up with her. But then if you got to know her better she wasn't actually annoying at all. And they got back together."

"That's right. They're engaged now."

"There's something else. Something I can't grasp." Ben rubbed his head with his right hand trying to concentrate and noticed something odd. "Riley, why I am wearing a wedding ring?"

"Come on Ben. Do you really think I would have let you do this to me if you weren't?" And she got up, showing that she was six months pregnant.

"We're married?! We're having a girl?!"

"Actually I didn't tell you the sex, but yes we are. I can't believe you don't remember this. You went to considerable measures to make sure I wouldn't forget it."

"I can't believe I'm this lucky!"

"Ben, you were hit by a truck five days ago. Trust me, I'm the one who's lucky here." And she kissed him.

A few hours later, after the doctors had confirmed Ben's eventual recovery, and he had some time to sleep, Riley was pushing him around in a wheelchair. She was busy making calls. Tucker and Vanessa would be here shortly, as would Danny and his new bride. Bonnie would soon be bringing Emma to see her father. A doctor waylaid Riley for a moment to get her to fill out some forms. Ben looked around the hospital corridors. He noticed a woman doctor, clearly very Jewish. A second look, and he the saw the face of an eagle.

"Some of our Christian and Muslim assistants haven't quite got the point of their celestial duties. Over the next or day or two your memories of this world will come back and your old memories will fade. But now there is a world where Riley ends up with Danny, and now there is a world where she ends up with you. A solution of a sort.

"Don't screw this up."

"I promise."


End file.
